May the new year bring happiness to all

The last day of the year. Soon a new decade. Going home! Ireland is now dark and cold, stressful, but empty. No one cares, no one sees. Norway is bright an large. Full of people who sees and cares. Safety, do not have to stand alone anymore. Laughs, do not have to force them out when I'm alone, or get embarrassed because I smile. They who not only call them self friends, but the ones that really are friends. Hope, strength and a new beginning.

Start living a new life, start writing a new song.

She

She’s that sun I see
She’s the rain over me
She’s the one I want when I’m alone
The one who is left when everyone else is gone

She’s who I want to dance with
She was there when I was a kid
She’s there in every fight
She’s the one I want at night

She’s the one I tell my dreams to
She tells me what to do
She knows where I should be
She knows what best for me

She’s the eyes I look through
She’s the breath I take in the morning
She’s the one I need to be
She’s me

Thank you

I just want to take a few minutes and thank you who was there for me when the world was not. You made me smile, you gave me energy, you gave me a reason to live, you gave me life. I will never forget you.

There was joy, there was hurt. Remember when...

Brunettes and blonds are equally stupid

Lying in bed, been here for two days. Except for the few hours I was at the pub, and of course when I was in the taxi from one bed to another. God, I just want to die. Had to break up with my boyfriend after he dumped me because he thought the first time didn't count. Then I got a fake birthday party which is good because my real birthday party went down the drain. But my new best friend is making pizza! My new best friend who left me three times yesterday. But at least the entire town saw me in my panties. My three bosses are gonna kill me tomorrow. Which considering the situation might not be such a bad thing. And it sure saves me from doing it myself. Anyway, I'm gonna try to get to work tomorrow, be invisible and only talk to people on the phone.

Trying not to be sick again and holding on for tomorrow.

Everything I ever wanted

Gone, again. Happens to often now. Want to get up, get my head over the water. I try to do my best, I feel Im doing good. But then I crash back down. I do everything for them. I work for several people. when Im not there, nothing gets done. I cry in my breaks. I need to be alone, some place no one can find me. Invisible.

My inspiration is gone, the reason for me to get out of bed in the morning. He is gone, but he will never let me go.

I have more friends. Always someone to talk to. But I dont feel they are interested, its new people, people who doesnt know me yet. They will get sick of me soon enough. Happenes every time. I dont blame them, Im grumpy or hysterical, sad or happy, angry or kind, up and down.

Looking forward to have the party. Decorate, shop, do my hair and make-up. Hope the smile will be a true one, all night long. Sick of pretending. Sick of pleasing everyone without getting anything back. Sick of hurting, sick of being hurt.

Shes verything thing to me...

Ready - Set - Gone

Stop touching me, stop talking to me, stop caring about me. But you will never do that will you? When you can't stop I have to make you stop. But how? I'm jumping back to the only solution I know. I want to disappear, never to be found. I can see the place; it's dark, far into the woods. Tall dark trees is surronding the area. In the middle, a deep black lake. That is my final destination.

My dress is white. This is the only thing I am wearing, exept for the necklace, the golden necklace with a ring and a cross. My body is cut, partely from the walk where the trees and the bushes got hold of me, and partely by the knife now lying in my white cold, hand. An empty bottle lies close by next to packets that used to contain pills.

Invisible, just a shadow of myself. Don't want to be seen, don't want to be heard. Scared to love, I will get hurt. Scared of being loved, I will hurt someone else.

I want him, I don't want him, but I don't know who he or the other one is.

Just a shadow passing through if I was invisible.

Places in my heart

There's a place. In the middle of Dublin city. It's an oasis hidden between high houses and traffic. Between all the noice and chaos. I use to sit there for a while before, every saturday, when I was on my way home from the shops. I use to sit there beneath the trees, looking over the water. It remind me of where I grew up, in the middle of the forest. It's quite in there, my own little paradise. All of the benches are broken, but I can still sit on them. It's the only place in the city where I can feel God's presents. When I sit on a broken bench, hidden under the trees, watching over the silent water, I know that he is with me. I know that it will be a good day.

After I have visited my paradise, I go back to the apartment. The apartment where every room have a different smell, a different atmosphere. The kitchen smell of food. The living room smell of computer dust, it's always full of little technical things and bottles half full with wine. The hall smell of hello's and goodbye's. Of happy tears and sad tears. The bath room smell of boy's products, and the bedroom... The smell of the bedroom is my own little secret. In this apartment I have had the best times of my life. All of the talkes I have been through here. And all of the silences. All of the movies that I have watched. And all of the hours I have slept. All of the smokes I have smoked. And all of the wine I have been drinking. All the little things that made seven months so special.

The smells, the water, the tears and the smiles.

Heaven on earth.

Another Saturday

There is nothing like a Saturday morning. You can just keep sleeping when you first wake up. You can do whatever you want and you dont have to wake up early the next day. I like to fill my Saturdays with music. Dancing, singing or just jamming. Today I did the dishes, motivated a good friend and put two tons of clothes away. Tonight I will do something I have not done in months... GIRLS NIGHT!

I think this is a week for doing stuff I hardly ever do. On Thursday for example, I went shopping! It was horrible. I spend like 120 euros. Sure some of it was for food. But lets see, what else did I buy...? Hair products, a new mascara, new headphones, a new iPod speaker, three tops, a vest, a jumper, tights, a belt, panties and new boots. The food was about 30 euros. So then its like 6 euros for each of the other things. Maybe not that bad then.

Today I also worked out, whilst drinking beers. Gotto work on that beer tummy right away! But now Im gonna eat dinner and get the tummy back.

Write to you soon.

I think I like today...

Never waste a good tingle

You really got to appreciate the good things in life. Like getting a taxi after waiting in the queue for an hour. Like finding you keys quickly when you really have to pee. Like getting a hot shower in the morning. Like falling asleep alone and wake up next to someone.

I just felt a tingle in my stomach. I cannot remember the last time. I don't know why I'm happy, but why question it? And if you should focus on the negative things, you cannot go outside the door. Like now for example: My arm hurts, I stretch another muscle, I can barely move it, but I had fun when it happened being on a rock concert. I'm tired after washing clothes, but at least I have clean clothes for the week. Me and the guys are all sitting whit our own laptops not talking, but at least they're there.

Last week ended pretty good. First I got a raise because I'm good at what I do, then I got an award where the prize was an extra vacation day! Of course I had to screw it up by getting a virus on my workstation, but I'm still smiling, gotta keep on smiling...

The balance

Life is tough, life is hard. Life in unfair. Life is sad, life is cruel, life is beautiful.

Life is probably filled with more bad days then good ones, but it's what you do with the days and the experiences you have that matters. Of course we have to be sad sometimes, tears make us heal, but so do laughter. We have to find a balance. If you have more bad days than good ones you have to laugh more then you cry. You have to be able to cry when you are happy and to laugh when you are sad. You have to do the things that make you happy. Do not let people walk all over you. This is advice from a broken heart. I cannot take my own advice. That's why I'm writing to you, hopefully someone else can.

You only have one life, one chance.

You are the superstar of your life, don't ever forget that...

Don't let your life pass you by, weep not for the memories.

Who can save me now?

Siris world has fallen down yet again. The wounds are fresh, the days dont make sence anymore.

I dont hate men, I just hate what they do to me. They make me weak and insecure. Take away all of my power. I used to love when it was just me. Then I could just love myself and not think about what others felt. Now I need to be loved by someone else. I am terrified of being alone with just me.


What did I do wrong? Did I not smile enough? Did he see through my eyes the tears hidden behind? Why didnt he pull me back, instead of pushing me away. We could have been so good together, now we will never know.

I never had your heart.

Holiday stress

Siri is on holiday. That would normally mean relaxation, fun and happiness. But not this time... Im red. I have two days left, but going to the beach is out of the question. Im tired, but I cant sleep anymore. Im sick of food, sick of sun and Im sick of not being at home... My lovely home. Im dreaming of the moment when I get out of the taxi and see my beautiful door with 123 on it. Im dreaming of my pink princesse bed that actually give me back pains. I even dream of the cold Ireland wind...

The problem is that this time in Turkey I cannot relax. Im stressing with everything and normally Im very relaxed. I miss having week-ends where I dont move from the couch. I miss not being paranoide, aggressive and drained for energy.

But in 48 hour Im hopefully at home, I will stress then also, but in a good way. I will stress with something I want and not something Im dreadiıng. I really miss the way you keep the world at bay for me.

The girl inside

I always wonder how people see me, and why they see me the way they do. Why are guys only interested when they are drunk? Why, out of ten girls am I the one who get hit on the arse by the passing guy on a bike? Why do they think they can get whatever they want from me? What signals am I really giving out? I tried to ask my friends. They say I put myself in these situations, but I don’t understand how. I’m not doing anything. I wish people could see the Siri that I see. I wish that I could be the real Siri when I’m with others. But maybe that’s the thing. Maybe I’m one person when I’m alone and another person when I’m with others.

I have a secret. I am living in two worlds. I am living in reality with all of you. But I also have a fantasy world. All of you are there as well, but in this world I decide what will happen. I go to my other world several times a day. For example when I’m alone in reality I’m always with someone in my fantasy world. Sometimes I’m with one other, sometimes with many. Sometimes something new happens, something I want to happen. Sometimes I go through the future, if something special will happen in the real world, like a party, I always go through it in the fantasy world first. But sometimes I change the past. I go through an episode that happened in reality and I change it the way I want. But my fantasy world isn’t always great. I have sorrows and pains there as well. The difficult thing is to balance these two worlds. Sometimes my fantasy world takes over reality. I forget what is real and what is fantasy, especially when I’ve changed a real story. But still, after 12 years in my fantasy world, without it I would not exist. Just take a look at the girl inside.

Friday feeling

Its a strange day. Im happy, but Im scared. Im conserned, but I feel totaly safe. I am singing again, but I dont have any words. I am dancing again, but I dont have any reason to. Im living inside my own head agian. I hate being there. Its a dark and lonely place. But today, its not that dark. I can actually see light coming through my normally closed blinds. I can feel Im climbing. Its the toughest climb I have ever done, but its working. Im a good girl.

Beautiful May

The year turned into May. The trees are turning green, the sky is getting a deeper blue colour and the sun gets warmer every day. Now its bright when I go to work and its bright when I go home. I even found a happy song!

I still have bad days tho. Yesterday was one of them. But Im on a mission now. I have goals. And its just about taking one day at the time. I dont want to be a victim anymore. I want to help people again, not be the one that needs help. Not to much tho, thats what gave me problems in the first place. There got to be a balance between me and other people. I remember in high school when my best girl friend and my best guy friend were dating. I lived through there relationship, helped on both sides, supported on both sides, cried on both sides.

Im almost finished set up my room now. Its very interesting. I have my entertainment centre with my TV, PS2 and all my DVDs and games. I made my own little walk in closet and I have my beauty spot, with a mirror I decorated angel style. Its really worth a visit. And I must say, I do like that bed, even tho its smaller than my last its not that small and Im actually used to spend my nights in small beds.

I guess May started pretty good. And I know it will end great. May is a beautiful month. If you're gonna have a life, you might as well have a good one.

Sunny, bright and colorful, but only on the outside

Tuesday morning. Sitting at work. The air is freezing. Im freezing. I went outside to have a cigarette. The sunlight was painting the corridor yellow. Outside the sky was clear and blue. Its a beautiful morning, but it can never be truely beautiful when you have to turn away from the yellow light and face the scary darkness that is hiding behind the doors. Is it me? Am I the darkness behind the doors. Is all the light and colors on the outside of me? I feel a war coming,
Im not ready.

I look outside and see that everything is perfect, except for me...

One million billionth of a millisecond on a saturday morning

Taking a taxi home on saturday or sunday morning wearing high heels, miniskirt and maskara down your cheaks is called the walk of shame. But the walk of shame doesn't really make me feel ashamed anymore. As long as I'm not on a bus and an old lady is sitting on a seat close by. She never seem to be able to look away from my ripped pantyhose, my messy hair and the poorly hidden cleevich. I'm trying the best I can to make her aware that there are sheeps to look at through the windows, but I have no luck. At least in a taxi it's just one person that lookes at you like a whore.

Yesterday I went out for a team dinner. I was ready to leave already before I got there and I was drunk before they came with the food. By the time they served the dessert and after dinner drinks I had planned my escape. I went to the loo. To get there I had to walk past a group of irish guys. One of them looked at me and came with the nineties-so-out-of-date-sleasy line; How'r you doing. In my hurry to get to the loo to litterally beat myself up I told him; Does it really matter. I was not in the mood for that just then. When that is said, I do actually have the tendency to be mean to guys I meet at bars. Normally I have fun with it. Im a fan of til the morning breaks go and make your mistakes.

Pizza? Do you need one for singles or for sharing?

I went to the store today, had to buy ketchup. I thought I might as well buy some dinners as well. I was standing by the freezer looking at pizzas. I was thinking of one that looked very tasty. I almost grabbed it when I saw in the corner of it the comment; made for sharing. I decided quickly to take the one next to it witch was called solos. Then I went over to find my precious ketchup. After the pizza situation I felt bad when I put the king size bottle with the words 30% extra free on it into my basket. I thought I should probably buy those small bags that you get at McDonalds. Its been a long time since I had any cereal, so I went over to the cereal shelvs and picked out an eight pack of different once. The sad thing is that when you are single and alone you have to pay almost doble price for food. If you buy the economy packs they go bad before you get them home. Except for ketchup whitch I could drink if I had the chance. I wanted to buy a magazine as well, its been ages since I bought one. While I was looking at det new copy of Cosmo I saw Brides in Ireland right next to it, but I thougt I'd had enough of misserable single shopping and went for the Cosmo. Now Im sitting here, eating my solo pizza while Im reading an article called 7 signs he's trying to move in with you, gotta love the single life. I dont need another half to make me whole.

The start of something new?

When I woke up today I was so scared. What did I do yesterday? What did I get myself into? At work I had three panick attacks, no one noticed. I read an article about depression, they mentioned 14 symptoms, I had all of them. I also learned that a lot of the things I do is signs of depression, interesting.

What happened yesterday is that I talked to my brother. He made me realize a few things I needed to change. I guess most of you have told me, seriously or for a joke that I need to see someone, but I have never really listened. I asked my friend how many years they have told me to see someone, she said 7 years.

Since I have to move out soon I figured it would be a good idea to start looking. One day it took me to find some place else. Im gonna have a look at it this week-end. The only problem is going from a king size bed to a 75cm one. If I like this appartment I will be moving out in just a few weeks. Its gonna be tough to leave Wendy and Sarah, my family, but sure I'll only be on the other side of the shoppingcentre, and I'll visit them as often as I can.

Yesterday I had one of those moments where everything is so clear.

Just another fallen angel

My flatmate told me yesterday that I was innocent and naiv. Not anything I havn't hear before. My mother and brother always tried to keep me away from the problems in the family. I was the little baby and no harm was suppose to get to me. I still feel protected by everyone around me. They hide stuff, they talk behind my back, they think I know nothing.

This is what I know; Life is hard, people make it that way. You dont need a weapon to kill another person and you dont need a weapon to kill yourself. I was an ugly child. It was because I was burned. I was different then other children and because of that they said yuk when I came near. I've been hit by my alcoholic father. I've dated alcoholics, dealers, male whores and rapists.

My flatmate also told me I am strong. With everything that has happened I try to look at the bright side, and I'm very good at it. I'm always thinking; dont cry until you are home, dont cry until you are alone. You barely see me cry. Lately I haven't been able to at all. You would think I'm getting stronger, but I feel the opposite, I feel I'm getting weaker. Like all of my happiness is draining out. I remember the last time I was truly happy, it was the first week in Dublin. New people, a new place, a new start. Before I could look in the mirror and think; Man, Im georgeous today. Girls envied me for having confidence when it came to my own apparence. It's funny that I was able to though, after all the harrasment. Now when I look in the mirror I see something else. I look at old photos of me and I miss that girl. Will I ever get her back?

So am I really that innocent? Or am I just another fallen angel. I dont have time to figure it out anymore, I need to take action, need to make a change. Just wish I had the wings of an angel.

The day after yesterday

My eyes are scarely red. I dont know why. But the wounds are healing, I have no more writing on my body and the most important thing, the trust is back and its stonger then ever. I guess you have to go through a few things before you understand who your true friends are. Now I will be checked every day, I think it will make me feel safe which is something I have been missing. It feels really good to have a true smile on my face again. I got alot of help this week-end and someone reminded me that life is not that bad. The sun is shining, its a good day.

I will try to remember; it's gonna be all right, no matter what they say it's gonna be a good day.

Black eyes. Red lips. No make-up.

Woke up at 14.30. Used some time to open my eyes, in the end I needed to drag them apart. I was listening for a sound, any sound. I got up and went to the bathroom. Washed my face, my eyes were burning. When I went into the sittingroom, the gang came home and filled the appartment with life.

My body is full of writing, most of it I cant make out. But I can see on my left arm it says: If you cant find the hash, you can always get some chips instead. On my right arm it says: Woke up with a guy, he was dead, I guess I have to buy more batteries.

Im scared. I feel hurt, but I shouldnt, I have no right to. Im tired of this. Tired of hiding. Tired of smiling. It takes so much out of me to pretend.

Blood tears and true lies

Just got home. Will I sleep? Can I sleep? Everywhere is burning. Body, heart, trust. Blood and tears. Is it because I didnt smile enough? Is it because I got so skinny? If I want to continue I should leave now. Apparently, in Dublin there are people who care about me. I dont want to continue. But what if I mess up? An institution? A cold white room behind a locked steal door? I dont think so, I think on Monday all of this is forgotten.

After every party, I die...

Cats and TLs

Im home from work. When I came through the door I thought I was alone until I found the neighbours cat on the couch, he she whatever it is think it lives here. We call it Mr. Snuggles.

I was a little concerned about putting certain stuff on my blog because I know my TL is reading it. But earlier today she felt like having a chat about my love life for some reason. We were talking about a guy I know and she asked if I was shagging him. I thought she said shadowing so I said yes. When I realised what she had asked I didnt feel like changing my answer. Lets just say, Im not conserned anymore...

Next friday we are all going out for her farewell party, shes going on maternity leave. She is very excited to go out with me. Im telling her that during week-ends Im actually pretty calm, she dont belive me. What a shock she is going to get.

Well, I better get ready for the goodbye party. Hopefully I wont be home until sunday. Table dancing, smashing glasses, its nice to get naughty.

Week-end starts...

Im sitting at work, wearing a Bart Simpson t-shirt. Im actually finished for the day, but I dont care. I had a really boring day so far. Nothing at all interesting happened, so I dont really know what to tell you guys...

Its friday and after using 30minutes on a normally 5minutes walk home from the shoppingcentre yesterday with beers and wine I am hoping to be drunk in about one hour.

People come and leave before you can learn there names here at the company. This week-end is yet another goodbye party. This time for a norwegian I just got to know, thats why its such a shame he is leaving.

Tonight I just want to sit around a table with my friends, listen to music, talk about life, drink and maybe share a few laughes. Nothing special you would say, but for me that is the best of times...

In memory of the one the only

My father was a great man. All my life people have tried to convince me and even I have tried to convince myself otherwise, but he really was the most kind, supporting, loving man there was.

The first time I remember seeing him drunk I was between 6 and 8. My brother who is six years older than me and my self was visiting him in his new appartment. We had been playing and laughing all evening and I went to bed tired and happy. But my sleep was suddenly interupted by screams and chaos. I woke up to find my father in bed shouting for my brother who was running around the appartment looking for smokes and beers. My father droped his cigarette on the duvet and couldnt pick it up. He was in alot of pain but couldt get up. Finally my brother helped him into a chair and called one of my fathers friends who could calm him. My brother told me to go back to sleep and thats the last thing I remember.

After that, visits at my fathers house mostly ended up with being picked up in the midle of the night by my mother or grandfather carying bats or other weapons or by me escaping through a window when he was in another room sobbing.

We waited 20 years to get the message that he was not longer with us, but it never came... until...

I spent almost the entire summer of 2008 at his appartment looking for jobs cause he had a good internet connection. In August I got an offer for the job Im in now. My father was thrilled.

My father was in a poor health for many years and every time he felt pain or something else he would call the emergency number. We were getting kinda sick of this and we didnt really care. I could sit in his flat watching tv while the paramedics were picking him up. He would say goodbye and tell me to turn off the tv and lock the door when I left. I would wave at him and briefly say goodbye.

Two weeks before I left for Ireland my father called to tell me he was dying. He didnt dare to call after an ambulance because he wasnt suppose to drink. I called my brother cause it wasnt normal that he didnt call for help. My brother called the ambulance and for once I was actually scared. It turned out to be normal stomach cramps. I was so angry, I told my mother and brother that he should die now because when I move out of the country I cant promisse I will come back for his funeral.

I had been in Ireland for one month. I had been so sick the entire week-end. On friday I was sure I was going to die when I got an allergic reaction to antibiothics. I coughed and cried for six hours. The next week I was back at work. I had just gotten home on wednesday, it was 5pm. My mom sounded almost angry on the phone. Asked me where I was and if I were alone. I cried that evening. Haven't been able to cry since.

He wasnt found for five days, for once he didnt call anyone. It must have happened so quickly. He died on the prewious friday. Its funny when you think you are going to die only to find out later that someone else did instead.

At the funeral I understood what a man he had been. 300 people met up, and I could feel the sorrow in all of them.

He had to leave me for a better place, I wish I could have kissed him and said goodbye...

Bart vs Maggie

I live next to Ireland's largest shopping centre so it happens that I stop by. A couple of days ago I was looking to see if I could find some summer clothes for when I go to Turkey in June. I went into Bershka and I found a cool t-shirt with Bart Simpson on it. The problem was that next to it hung one with Lisa Simpson and next to her was Maggie. So there I was with three cool t-shirts and no clue of which one to pick. The only thing I did know was that Bart would be the coolest but the coulor of the t-shirt didnt quite match the coulor of Bart's t-shirt. I had to consult with the guys at work. First I asked one of my team leaders, her response after I told her the whole story was simply that I think to much. Today I told my second team leader who said I was strange. When I asked which t-shirt to buy he told me to go away.

I went back to the Bershka, and I bought...

You, wait till tomorrow

Who am I, where am I, where am I going and where do I find a taxi?

Hi and welcome to my dirty little secrets. Im a girl at age 22. Im from Norway but I dont really care much for that country anymore. So I try to find happiness some place else. Right now that place is Ireland.

Last time I wanted to move I wanted to go some place warm, so of course I ended up in a country that is permanently stuck in a frost hurricane. The wind seeme to just go around and around this little island. Next time its gonna be Australia!

I work at what I thought was a nice big computer company. I learned later that its just a big computer company. I am currently working on two teams, but I hope that I can quit one of them soon. Every day now Im messuring the work load on both teams to see where Im most needed. The thing is that I was first hired to work on one of them in September. One day in November they needed me on the other one. It was an awful day. I had to leave my friends and sit with peope I didnt even know, or liked for that matter... Now, 5 months later I dont want to leave them. Its not just the people tho, for the first time in the company I feel that I can actually do something useful. But I have to wait a couple of weeks more before I get the final answer on whitch team I get to belong to.

My spare time is pretty limited. I go to work at 5.30 in the morning and come home some time between 4 and 5 in the afternoon. Then its dinner, facebook and bed. But I do have the week-ends, oh those week-ends...

I live with 8 year old Sarah and her mummy Wendy. When you live with an 8 year old you hear things like; Mummy, my hands, they are out of controll! But now her mommy is telling me I have to move out in the midle of August. Whitch mean that I have some thinking to do. The easy thing to do is to move to another flat somewhere in Dublin, but when Im sitting inside under a blanket looking out on the pouring rain, Australia doesn't sound that bad... As long as I am leaving town alive...