Awakening

When dancing today I found out something about myself that made me a bit scared. I have two feelings, and they are both connected.

Feeling 1: The bad feeling;
The pain I have in my heart is the same one I've had for a year. The same knife is being put in my chest over and over. Its not a new pain every time that I first thougt, but simply the reminder of what happened June one year ago.

Feeling 2: The good feeling;
Im more and more happy now. I thought that was a good thing. I was wrong. Being happy reminds me of the last time I was truly happy with my life. The truth is taht I was not very happy back then after all, but I still miss it like crazy. Then its the harsh, violent volcano of bad things that ended my fake happiness (see feeling 1) made being happy a constant reminder of how something that seems to good to be true, almost always is.

So to sum up; I get happy, then I remember how much I miss it and what happens after, then the knife is back.

The problem I now face is finding something new to pin my hapiness on. So I dont look back and I dont feel guilty.

Im gonna miss all the things we'll necer do

Overload

Wish I had the emotional span of a teaspoon. My new job is not winning my trust. I have gone back to old patterns. Doing to much, spending to much time on what I do, dont get the credit I think I deserve. Young girls in the IT industry is not a good match, have to work twice as hard as the guys here. And nobody notice. When I sit long after the others have gone home the seventh day in a row, what does that meen? What Im I doing wrong? Or is it because I am the only one who is doing it all right? I know I will get the answer soon, in form of an extended work contract or a dismissal. If Im dismissed, will it be enough for me to know that I did my best? Or will it lead me closer to my death? Can I really get any closer...?

Men! My main problem since forever. My intolarance led to stupidiness, that led to anger. Now Im just plain scared. The love I felt for someone is faiding. Im confused about how to feel, do I really want to lose it? I dont know how or when I can accept that its over. If I let it go, will I ever be able to feel like that again? And can I live the rest of my life without that kind of love? I feel guilty, but could I have done things differently?

Coming home was not what I had expected. Im still lonely, but if that is because I want to be left alone, I dont know. I've seen two of my friends since I came back. TWO, in three months! Do they not want anything to do with me or is it I who demand to much of them, to much of myself?

If just one of this things was fixed, would I then be happy?
Just a small town girl, living in her lonely world.

To be continued...

Knowing

I know how good a Hello sound, especially if it’s followed by your name, I also know how it is to be ignored.

I know how good it is to be heard, I also know how it feels to be told to ignore your problems and smile.

I know how it is to think that your life can never be right again and I know how it can suddenly get back to being perfect.

I know how it is to smile and laugh and be happy but scream inside and just want to get away, but I also know how true happiness feels like.

I know how it is to love someone so deep just to get pulled back to earth with only a phone call, and I know how important friends can be.

I know how it feels to be empty inside just because you miss someone and how your whole body bubbles with joy when you see them again.

I know how it is to be popular, and I know how easy you can loose everyone just because of one person, one silly fight.

I know how your heart jumps when someone logs on msn and I know how it is to cry only because someone logged off.

I know how much a phone call from home with bad news hurts and I know how good it can be to have your family around you.

I know how it is to wake up with someone. I know how it is to wake up alone.

I know how a perfect kiss makes you feel so happy because you found it but so scared that it will go away at the same time.

I know how it is to cry in panic and I know how it feels to laugh when you don’t know why you are you are crying.

I know you can receive a million different good glances and a million different bad once.

I know how it feels when all of your friends are going to a party you are not invited to and I know how it feels to not go to a party you were invited to because you are scared that you will bring every one else down.

I know how it feels to sit in a crowded room and feel lonely, I know how it is to be home alone surrounded by hundreds.

I know how a barbeque party on a hot day can ruin a family’s summer. I also know it will ruine their whole life.

I know that kids are honest, nosy and wonderful. I know that kids are honest, nosy and horrible.
I know how it is to fall to the ground in sorrow, I know how it is to get back on your feet.

I know how it feels to hear someone has been saying nice things about you only to never be able to thank them.

I know that physical pain is bad, but metal pain is worse. I know you can’t heal physical pain with mental pain, but you can heal mental pain with physical pain.

I know how it feels to think you are going to die just to find out later that someone else did instead.

And I know

May the new year bring happiness to all

The last day of the year. Soon a new decade. Going home! Ireland is now dark and cold, stressful, but empty. No one cares, no one sees. Norway is bright an large. Full of people who sees and cares. Safety, do not have to stand alone anymore. Laughs, do not have to force them out when I'm alone, or get embarrassed because I smile. They who not only call them self friends, but the ones that really are friends. Hope, strength and a new beginning.

Start living a new life, start writing a new song.

She

She’s that sun I see
She’s the rain over me
She’s the one I want when I’m alone
The one who is left when everyone else is gone

She’s who I want to dance with
She was there when I was a kid
She’s there in every fight
She’s the one I want at night

She’s the one I tell my dreams to
She tells me what to do
She knows where I should be
She knows what best for me

She’s the eyes I look through
She’s the breath I take in the morning
She’s the one I need to be
She’s me

Thank you

I just want to take a few minutes and thank you who was there for me when the world was not. You made me smile, you gave me energy, you gave me a reason to live, you gave me life. I will never forget you.

There was joy, there was hurt. Remember when...

Brunettes and blonds are equally stupid

Lying in bed, been here for two days. Except for the few hours I was at the pub, and of course when I was in the taxi from one bed to another. God, I just want to die. Had to break up with my boyfriend after he dumped me because he thought the first time didn't count. Then I got a fake birthday party which is good because my real birthday party went down the drain. But my new best friend is making pizza! My new best friend who left me three times yesterday. But at least the entire town saw me in my panties. My three bosses are gonna kill me tomorrow. Which considering the situation might not be such a bad thing. And it sure saves me from doing it myself. Anyway, I'm gonna try to get to work tomorrow, be invisible and only talk to people on the phone.

Trying not to be sick again and holding on for tomorrow.