Awakening

When dancing today I found out something about myself that made me a bit scared. I have two feelings, and they are both connected.

Feeling 1: The bad feeling;
The pain I have in my heart is the same one I've had for a year. The same knife is being put in my chest over and over. Its not a new pain every time that I first thougt, but simply the reminder of what happened June one year ago.

Feeling 2: The good feeling;
Im more and more happy now. I thought that was a good thing. I was wrong. Being happy reminds me of the last time I was truly happy with my life. The truth is taht I was not very happy back then after all, but I still miss it like crazy. Then its the harsh, violent volcano of bad things that ended my fake happiness (see feeling 1) made being happy a constant reminder of how something that seems to good to be true, almost always is.

So to sum up; I get happy, then I remember how much I miss it and what happens after, then the knife is back.

The problem I now face is finding something new to pin my hapiness on. So I dont look back and I dont feel guilty.

Im gonna miss all the things we'll necer do

Overload

Wish I had the emotional span of a teaspoon. My new job is not winning my trust. I have gone back to old patterns. Doing to much, spending to much time on what I do, dont get the credit I think I deserve. Young girls in the IT industry is not a good match, have to work twice as hard as the guys here. And nobody notice. When I sit long after the others have gone home the seventh day in a row, what does that meen? What Im I doing wrong? Or is it because I am the only one who is doing it all right? I know I will get the answer soon, in form of an extended work contract or a dismissal. If Im dismissed, will it be enough for me to know that I did my best? Or will it lead me closer to my death? Can I really get any closer...?

Men! My main problem since forever. My intolarance led to stupidiness, that led to anger. Now Im just plain scared. The love I felt for someone is faiding. Im confused about how to feel, do I really want to lose it? I dont know how or when I can accept that its over. If I let it go, will I ever be able to feel like that again? And can I live the rest of my life without that kind of love? I feel guilty, but could I have done things differently?

Coming home was not what I had expected. Im still lonely, but if that is because I want to be left alone, I dont know. I've seen two of my friends since I came back. TWO, in three months! Do they not want anything to do with me or is it I who demand to much of them, to much of myself?

If just one of this things was fixed, would I then be happy?
Just a small town girl, living in her lonely world.

To be continued...

Knowing

I know how good a Hello sound, especially if it’s followed by your name, I also know how it is to be ignored.

I know how good it is to be heard, I also know how it feels to be told to ignore your problems and smile.

I know how it is to think that your life can never be right again and I know how it can suddenly get back to being perfect.

I know how it is to smile and laugh and be happy but scream inside and just want to get away, but I also know how true happiness feels like.

I know how it is to love someone so deep just to get pulled back to earth with only a phone call, and I know how important friends can be.

I know how it feels to be empty inside just because you miss someone and how your whole body bubbles with joy when you see them again.

I know how it is to be popular, and I know how easy you can loose everyone just because of one person, one silly fight.

I know how your heart jumps when someone logs on msn and I know how it is to cry only because someone logged off.

I know how much a phone call from home with bad news hurts and I know how good it can be to have your family around you.

I know how it is to wake up with someone. I know how it is to wake up alone.

I know how a perfect kiss makes you feel so happy because you found it but so scared that it will go away at the same time.

I know how it is to cry in panic and I know how it feels to laugh when you don’t know why you are you are crying.

I know you can receive a million different good glances and a million different bad once.

I know how it feels when all of your friends are going to a party you are not invited to and I know how it feels to not go to a party you were invited to because you are scared that you will bring every one else down.

I know how it feels to sit in a crowded room and feel lonely, I know how it is to be home alone surrounded by hundreds.

I know how a barbeque party on a hot day can ruin a family’s summer. I also know it will ruine their whole life.

I know that kids are honest, nosy and wonderful. I know that kids are honest, nosy and horrible.
I know how it is to fall to the ground in sorrow, I know how it is to get back on your feet.

I know how it feels to hear someone has been saying nice things about you only to never be able to thank them.

I know that physical pain is bad, but metal pain is worse. I know you can’t heal physical pain with mental pain, but you can heal mental pain with physical pain.

I know how it feels to think you are going to die just to find out later that someone else did instead.

And I know