Sunny, bright and colorful, but only on the outside

Tuesday morning. Sitting at work. The air is freezing. Im freezing. I went outside to have a cigarette. The sunlight was painting the corridor yellow. Outside the sky was clear and blue. Its a beautiful morning, but it can never be truely beautiful when you have to turn away from the yellow light and face the scary darkness that is hiding behind the doors. Is it me? Am I the darkness behind the doors. Is all the light and colors on the outside of me? I feel a war coming,
Im not ready.

I look outside and see that everything is perfect, except for me...

One million billionth of a millisecond on a saturday morning

Taking a taxi home on saturday or sunday morning wearing high heels, miniskirt and maskara down your cheaks is called the walk of shame. But the walk of shame doesn't really make me feel ashamed anymore. As long as I'm not on a bus and an old lady is sitting on a seat close by. She never seem to be able to look away from my ripped pantyhose, my messy hair and the poorly hidden cleevich. I'm trying the best I can to make her aware that there are sheeps to look at through the windows, but I have no luck. At least in a taxi it's just one person that lookes at you like a whore.

Yesterday I went out for a team dinner. I was ready to leave already before I got there and I was drunk before they came with the food. By the time they served the dessert and after dinner drinks I had planned my escape. I went to the loo. To get there I had to walk past a group of irish guys. One of them looked at me and came with the nineties-so-out-of-date-sleasy line; How'r you doing. In my hurry to get to the loo to litterally beat myself up I told him; Does it really matter. I was not in the mood for that just then. When that is said, I do actually have the tendency to be mean to guys I meet at bars. Normally I have fun with it. Im a fan of til the morning breaks go and make your mistakes.

Pizza? Do you need one for singles or for sharing?

I went to the store today, had to buy ketchup. I thought I might as well buy some dinners as well. I was standing by the freezer looking at pizzas. I was thinking of one that looked very tasty. I almost grabbed it when I saw in the corner of it the comment; made for sharing. I decided quickly to take the one next to it witch was called solos. Then I went over to find my precious ketchup. After the pizza situation I felt bad when I put the king size bottle with the words 30% extra free on it into my basket. I thought I should probably buy those small bags that you get at McDonalds. Its been a long time since I had any cereal, so I went over to the cereal shelvs and picked out an eight pack of different once. The sad thing is that when you are single and alone you have to pay almost doble price for food. If you buy the economy packs they go bad before you get them home. Except for ketchup whitch I could drink if I had the chance. I wanted to buy a magazine as well, its been ages since I bought one. While I was looking at det new copy of Cosmo I saw Brides in Ireland right next to it, but I thougt I'd had enough of misserable single shopping and went for the Cosmo. Now Im sitting here, eating my solo pizza while Im reading an article called 7 signs he's trying to move in with you, gotta love the single life. I dont need another half to make me whole.

The start of something new?

When I woke up today I was so scared. What did I do yesterday? What did I get myself into? At work I had three panick attacks, no one noticed. I read an article about depression, they mentioned 14 symptoms, I had all of them. I also learned that a lot of the things I do is signs of depression, interesting.

What happened yesterday is that I talked to my brother. He made me realize a few things I needed to change. I guess most of you have told me, seriously or for a joke that I need to see someone, but I have never really listened. I asked my friend how many years they have told me to see someone, she said 7 years.

Since I have to move out soon I figured it would be a good idea to start looking. One day it took me to find some place else. Im gonna have a look at it this week-end. The only problem is going from a king size bed to a 75cm one. If I like this appartment I will be moving out in just a few weeks. Its gonna be tough to leave Wendy and Sarah, my family, but sure I'll only be on the other side of the shoppingcentre, and I'll visit them as often as I can.

Yesterday I had one of those moments where everything is so clear.

Just another fallen angel

My flatmate told me yesterday that I was innocent and naiv. Not anything I havn't hear before. My mother and brother always tried to keep me away from the problems in the family. I was the little baby and no harm was suppose to get to me. I still feel protected by everyone around me. They hide stuff, they talk behind my back, they think I know nothing.

This is what I know; Life is hard, people make it that way. You dont need a weapon to kill another person and you dont need a weapon to kill yourself. I was an ugly child. It was because I was burned. I was different then other children and because of that they said yuk when I came near. I've been hit by my alcoholic father. I've dated alcoholics, dealers, male whores and rapists.

My flatmate also told me I am strong. With everything that has happened I try to look at the bright side, and I'm very good at it. I'm always thinking; dont cry until you are home, dont cry until you are alone. You barely see me cry. Lately I haven't been able to at all. You would think I'm getting stronger, but I feel the opposite, I feel I'm getting weaker. Like all of my happiness is draining out. I remember the last time I was truly happy, it was the first week in Dublin. New people, a new place, a new start. Before I could look in the mirror and think; Man, Im georgeous today. Girls envied me for having confidence when it came to my own apparence. It's funny that I was able to though, after all the harrasment. Now when I look in the mirror I see something else. I look at old photos of me and I miss that girl. Will I ever get her back?

So am I really that innocent? Or am I just another fallen angel. I dont have time to figure it out anymore, I need to take action, need to make a change. Just wish I had the wings of an angel.

The day after yesterday

My eyes are scarely red. I dont know why. But the wounds are healing, I have no more writing on my body and the most important thing, the trust is back and its stonger then ever. I guess you have to go through a few things before you understand who your true friends are. Now I will be checked every day, I think it will make me feel safe which is something I have been missing. It feels really good to have a true smile on my face again. I got alot of help this week-end and someone reminded me that life is not that bad. The sun is shining, its a good day.

I will try to remember; it's gonna be all right, no matter what they say it's gonna be a good day.

Black eyes. Red lips. No make-up.

Woke up at 14.30. Used some time to open my eyes, in the end I needed to drag them apart. I was listening for a sound, any sound. I got up and went to the bathroom. Washed my face, my eyes were burning. When I went into the sittingroom, the gang came home and filled the appartment with life.

My body is full of writing, most of it I cant make out. But I can see on my left arm it says: If you cant find the hash, you can always get some chips instead. On my right arm it says: Woke up with a guy, he was dead, I guess I have to buy more batteries.

Im scared. I feel hurt, but I shouldnt, I have no right to. Im tired of this. Tired of hiding. Tired of smiling. It takes so much out of me to pretend.

Blood tears and true lies

Just got home. Will I sleep? Can I sleep? Everywhere is burning. Body, heart, trust. Blood and tears. Is it because I didnt smile enough? Is it because I got so skinny? If I want to continue I should leave now. Apparently, in Dublin there are people who care about me. I dont want to continue. But what if I mess up? An institution? A cold white room behind a locked steal door? I dont think so, I think on Monday all of this is forgotten.

After every party, I die...

Cats and TLs

Im home from work. When I came through the door I thought I was alone until I found the neighbours cat on the couch, he she whatever it is think it lives here. We call it Mr. Snuggles.

I was a little concerned about putting certain stuff on my blog because I know my TL is reading it. But earlier today she felt like having a chat about my love life for some reason. We were talking about a guy I know and she asked if I was shagging him. I thought she said shadowing so I said yes. When I realised what she had asked I didnt feel like changing my answer. Lets just say, Im not conserned anymore...

Next friday we are all going out for her farewell party, shes going on maternity leave. She is very excited to go out with me. Im telling her that during week-ends Im actually pretty calm, she dont belive me. What a shock she is going to get.

Well, I better get ready for the goodbye party. Hopefully I wont be home until sunday. Table dancing, smashing glasses, its nice to get naughty.

Week-end starts...

Im sitting at work, wearing a Bart Simpson t-shirt. Im actually finished for the day, but I dont care. I had a really boring day so far. Nothing at all interesting happened, so I dont really know what to tell you guys...

Its friday and after using 30minutes on a normally 5minutes walk home from the shoppingcentre yesterday with beers and wine I am hoping to be drunk in about one hour.

People come and leave before you can learn there names here at the company. This week-end is yet another goodbye party. This time for a norwegian I just got to know, thats why its such a shame he is leaving.

Tonight I just want to sit around a table with my friends, listen to music, talk about life, drink and maybe share a few laughes. Nothing special you would say, but for me that is the best of times...

In memory of the one the only

My father was a great man. All my life people have tried to convince me and even I have tried to convince myself otherwise, but he really was the most kind, supporting, loving man there was.

The first time I remember seeing him drunk I was between 6 and 8. My brother who is six years older than me and my self was visiting him in his new appartment. We had been playing and laughing all evening and I went to bed tired and happy. But my sleep was suddenly interupted by screams and chaos. I woke up to find my father in bed shouting for my brother who was running around the appartment looking for smokes and beers. My father droped his cigarette on the duvet and couldnt pick it up. He was in alot of pain but couldt get up. Finally my brother helped him into a chair and called one of my fathers friends who could calm him. My brother told me to go back to sleep and thats the last thing I remember.

After that, visits at my fathers house mostly ended up with being picked up in the midle of the night by my mother or grandfather carying bats or other weapons or by me escaping through a window when he was in another room sobbing.

We waited 20 years to get the message that he was not longer with us, but it never came... until...

I spent almost the entire summer of 2008 at his appartment looking for jobs cause he had a good internet connection. In August I got an offer for the job Im in now. My father was thrilled.

My father was in a poor health for many years and every time he felt pain or something else he would call the emergency number. We were getting kinda sick of this and we didnt really care. I could sit in his flat watching tv while the paramedics were picking him up. He would say goodbye and tell me to turn off the tv and lock the door when I left. I would wave at him and briefly say goodbye.

Two weeks before I left for Ireland my father called to tell me he was dying. He didnt dare to call after an ambulance because he wasnt suppose to drink. I called my brother cause it wasnt normal that he didnt call for help. My brother called the ambulance and for once I was actually scared. It turned out to be normal stomach cramps. I was so angry, I told my mother and brother that he should die now because when I move out of the country I cant promisse I will come back for his funeral.

I had been in Ireland for one month. I had been so sick the entire week-end. On friday I was sure I was going to die when I got an allergic reaction to antibiothics. I coughed and cried for six hours. The next week I was back at work. I had just gotten home on wednesday, it was 5pm. My mom sounded almost angry on the phone. Asked me where I was and if I were alone. I cried that evening. Haven't been able to cry since.

He wasnt found for five days, for once he didnt call anyone. It must have happened so quickly. He died on the prewious friday. Its funny when you think you are going to die only to find out later that someone else did instead.

At the funeral I understood what a man he had been. 300 people met up, and I could feel the sorrow in all of them.

He had to leave me for a better place, I wish I could have kissed him and said goodbye...

Bart vs Maggie

I live next to Ireland's largest shopping centre so it happens that I stop by. A couple of days ago I was looking to see if I could find some summer clothes for when I go to Turkey in June. I went into Bershka and I found a cool t-shirt with Bart Simpson on it. The problem was that next to it hung one with Lisa Simpson and next to her was Maggie. So there I was with three cool t-shirts and no clue of which one to pick. The only thing I did know was that Bart would be the coolest but the coulor of the t-shirt didnt quite match the coulor of Bart's t-shirt. I had to consult with the guys at work. First I asked one of my team leaders, her response after I told her the whole story was simply that I think to much. Today I told my second team leader who said I was strange. When I asked which t-shirt to buy he told me to go away.

I went back to the Bershka, and I bought...

You, wait till tomorrow

Who am I, where am I, where am I going and where do I find a taxi?

Hi and welcome to my dirty little secrets. Im a girl at age 22. Im from Norway but I dont really care much for that country anymore. So I try to find happiness some place else. Right now that place is Ireland.

Last time I wanted to move I wanted to go some place warm, so of course I ended up in a country that is permanently stuck in a frost hurricane. The wind seeme to just go around and around this little island. Next time its gonna be Australia!

I work at what I thought was a nice big computer company. I learned later that its just a big computer company. I am currently working on two teams, but I hope that I can quit one of them soon. Every day now Im messuring the work load on both teams to see where Im most needed. The thing is that I was first hired to work on one of them in September. One day in November they needed me on the other one. It was an awful day. I had to leave my friends and sit with peope I didnt even know, or liked for that matter... Now, 5 months later I dont want to leave them. Its not just the people tho, for the first time in the company I feel that I can actually do something useful. But I have to wait a couple of weeks more before I get the final answer on whitch team I get to belong to.

My spare time is pretty limited. I go to work at 5.30 in the morning and come home some time between 4 and 5 in the afternoon. Then its dinner, facebook and bed. But I do have the week-ends, oh those week-ends...

I live with 8 year old Sarah and her mummy Wendy. When you live with an 8 year old you hear things like; Mummy, my hands, they are out of controll! But now her mommy is telling me I have to move out in the midle of August. Whitch mean that I have some thinking to do. The easy thing to do is to move to another flat somewhere in Dublin, but when Im sitting inside under a blanket looking out on the pouring rain, Australia doesn't sound that bad... As long as I am leaving town alive...