The girl inside

I always wonder how people see me, and why they see me the way they do. Why are guys only interested when they are drunk? Why, out of ten girls am I the one who get hit on the arse by the passing guy on a bike? Why do they think they can get whatever they want from me? What signals am I really giving out? I tried to ask my friends. They say I put myself in these situations, but I don’t understand how. I’m not doing anything. I wish people could see the Siri that I see. I wish that I could be the real Siri when I’m with others. But maybe that’s the thing. Maybe I’m one person when I’m alone and another person when I’m with others.

I have a secret. I am living in two worlds. I am living in reality with all of you. But I also have a fantasy world. All of you are there as well, but in this world I decide what will happen. I go to my other world several times a day. For example when I’m alone in reality I’m always with someone in my fantasy world. Sometimes I’m with one other, sometimes with many. Sometimes something new happens, something I want to happen. Sometimes I go through the future, if something special will happen in the real world, like a party, I always go through it in the fantasy world first. But sometimes I change the past. I go through an episode that happened in reality and I change it the way I want. But my fantasy world isn’t always great. I have sorrows and pains there as well. The difficult thing is to balance these two worlds. Sometimes my fantasy world takes over reality. I forget what is real and what is fantasy, especially when I’ve changed a real story. But still, after 12 years in my fantasy world, without it I would not exist. Just take a look at the girl inside.

Friday feeling

Its a strange day. Im happy, but Im scared. Im conserned, but I feel totaly safe. I am singing again, but I dont have any words. I am dancing again, but I dont have any reason to. Im living inside my own head agian. I hate being there. Its a dark and lonely place. But today, its not that dark. I can actually see light coming through my normally closed blinds. I can feel Im climbing. Its the toughest climb I have ever done, but its working. Im a good girl.

Beautiful May

The year turned into May. The trees are turning green, the sky is getting a deeper blue colour and the sun gets warmer every day. Now its bright when I go to work and its bright when I go home. I even found a happy song!

I still have bad days tho. Yesterday was one of them. But Im on a mission now. I have goals. And its just about taking one day at the time. I dont want to be a victim anymore. I want to help people again, not be the one that needs help. Not to much tho, thats what gave me problems in the first place. There got to be a balance between me and other people. I remember in high school when my best girl friend and my best guy friend were dating. I lived through there relationship, helped on both sides, supported on both sides, cried on both sides.

Im almost finished set up my room now. Its very interesting. I have my entertainment centre with my TV, PS2 and all my DVDs and games. I made my own little walk in closet and I have my beauty spot, with a mirror I decorated angel style. Its really worth a visit. And I must say, I do like that bed, even tho its smaller than my last its not that small and Im actually used to spend my nights in small beds.

I guess May started pretty good. And I know it will end great. May is a beautiful month. If you're gonna have a life, you might as well have a good one.