Overload

Wish I had the emotional span of a teaspoon. My new job is not winning my trust. I have gone back to old patterns. Doing to much, spending to much time on what I do, dont get the credit I think I deserve. Young girls in the IT industry is not a good match, have to work twice as hard as the guys here. And nobody notice. When I sit long after the others have gone home the seventh day in a row, what does that meen? What Im I doing wrong? Or is it because I am the only one who is doing it all right? I know I will get the answer soon, in form of an extended work contract or a dismissal. If Im dismissed, will it be enough for me to know that I did my best? Or will it lead me closer to my death? Can I really get any closer...?

Men! My main problem since forever. My intolarance led to stupidiness, that led to anger. Now Im just plain scared. The love I felt for someone is faiding. Im confused about how to feel, do I really want to lose it? I dont know how or when I can accept that its over. If I let it go, will I ever be able to feel like that again? And can I live the rest of my life without that kind of love? I feel guilty, but could I have done things differently?

Coming home was not what I had expected. Im still lonely, but if that is because I want to be left alone, I dont know. I've seen two of my friends since I came back. TWO, in three months! Do they not want anything to do with me or is it I who demand to much of them, to much of myself?

If just one of this things was fixed, would I then be happy?
Just a small town girl, living in her lonely world.

To be continued...