Wish I had the emotional span of a teaspoon. My new job is not winning my trust. I have gone back to old patterns. Doing to much, spending to much time on what I do, dont get the credit I think I deserve. Young girls in the IT industry is not a good match, have to work twice as hard as the guys here. And nobody notice. When I sit long after the others have gone home the seventh day in a row, what does that meen? What Im I doing wrong? Or is it because I am the only one who is doing it all right? I know I will get the answer soon, in form of an extended work contract or a dismissal. If Im dismissed, will it be enough for me to know that I did my best? Or will it lead me closer to my death? Can I really get any closer...?
Men! My main problem since forever. My intolarance led to stupidiness, that led to anger. Now Im just plain scared. The love I felt for someone is faiding. Im confused about how to feel, do I really want to lose it? I dont know how or when I can accept that its over. If I let it go, will I ever be able to feel like that again? And can I live the rest of my life without that kind of love? I feel guilty, but could I have done things differently?
Coming home was not what I had expected. Im still lonely, but if that is because I want to be left alone, I dont know. I've seen two of my friends since I came back. TWO, in three months! Do they not want anything to do with me or is it I who demand to much of them, to much of myself?
If just one of this things was fixed, would I then be happy?
Just a small town girl, living in her lonely world.
To be continued...
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Being a girl in IT myself, I can tell you that you are working in a very ungreatful business.
ReplyDeleteIt took me 12 years or more being in IT before management gave me any heads-up or a pet on the back for doing my best, which was mostly 10 times more than any IT guy/nerd in same business.
It might not help you if you work overtime, this can actually be seen as: she has to work overtime to be able to do the same as we; type of attitude.
IT is extremely male dominated, and any girl who do their best will always be an outsider, in their eyes.
Havent you noticed how guys always are scared of sharing their male-sex jokes with you? Or how they step carefully around you, especially management? They do not know how to handle us.
In any case, you know me, we met once in Dublin. You might want to aspire to do something else in IT (non-technical, more customer related or service related) to get the pet on the back you think you deserve, or become your own boss.
As for men, my life got better without. However, its hard to live "by myself" but you get used to that also after a while ;-)