Awakening

When dancing today I found out something about myself that made me a bit scared. I have two feelings, and they are both connected.

Feeling 1: The bad feeling;
The pain I have in my heart is the same one I've had for a year. The same knife is being put in my chest over and over. Its not a new pain every time that I first thougt, but simply the reminder of what happened June one year ago.

Feeling 2: The good feeling;
Im more and more happy now. I thought that was a good thing. I was wrong. Being happy reminds me of the last time I was truly happy with my life. The truth is taht I was not very happy back then after all, but I still miss it like crazy. Then its the harsh, violent volcano of bad things that ended my fake happiness (see feeling 1) made being happy a constant reminder of how something that seems to good to be true, almost always is.

So to sum up; I get happy, then I remember how much I miss it and what happens after, then the knife is back.

The problem I now face is finding something new to pin my hapiness on. So I dont look back and I dont feel guilty.

Im gonna miss all the things we'll necer do