Just another fallen angel

My flatmate told me yesterday that I was innocent and naiv. Not anything I havn't hear before. My mother and brother always tried to keep me away from the problems in the family. I was the little baby and no harm was suppose to get to me. I still feel protected by everyone around me. They hide stuff, they talk behind my back, they think I know nothing.

This is what I know; Life is hard, people make it that way. You dont need a weapon to kill another person and you dont need a weapon to kill yourself. I was an ugly child. It was because I was burned. I was different then other children and because of that they said yuk when I came near. I've been hit by my alcoholic father. I've dated alcoholics, dealers, male whores and rapists.

My flatmate also told me I am strong. With everything that has happened I try to look at the bright side, and I'm very good at it. I'm always thinking; dont cry until you are home, dont cry until you are alone. You barely see me cry. Lately I haven't been able to at all. You would think I'm getting stronger, but I feel the opposite, I feel I'm getting weaker. Like all of my happiness is draining out. I remember the last time I was truly happy, it was the first week in Dublin. New people, a new place, a new start. Before I could look in the mirror and think; Man, Im georgeous today. Girls envied me for having confidence when it came to my own apparence. It's funny that I was able to though, after all the harrasment. Now when I look in the mirror I see something else. I look at old photos of me and I miss that girl. Will I ever get her back?

So am I really that innocent? Or am I just another fallen angel. I dont have time to figure it out anymore, I need to take action, need to make a change. Just wish I had the wings of an angel.